It’s amazing the things that you find yourself taking for granted. Waking up in the morning, your child getting off of the school bus after a day of school, family movie night, chatting with that friendly bank teller that seems to never have a bad day, or just making it to work safely. We take them for granted so much that we just expect these things to be. We expect all of our family to be around the dinner table (or tv). We count on the fact that we will be able to check out our friends’ statuses on Facebook and Instagram. We even expect to get pregnant when we plan and to have a beautiful delivery. But life happens. Life occurs. And sometimes you wake up and your world changes. Sometimes what once was is no longer. And in those moments, you are faced with decisions, to sink or to soar.
I remember we found out I was pregnant. So excited. I had feelings of joy and feelings of uncertainty. Could already picture what my little baby girl would look like. I am saying it was a girl because after growing up in a house full of boys and now living in a home full of males, I think I deserve to have another female in my house. You know, someone who likes to get her nails done just as much as me. But this go round, things didn’t go as planned. And it didn’t feel good. And my heart broke. But I understood.
From this miscarriage, I was reminded of a few simple truths. When something is not right in our lives, no matter how much we may wish it to be right, God won’t allow it to come into fruition. The doctor explained that there was just something about this pregnancy that was not developing right and my body was just correcting it. You know those many emotions came over me. Well is this the end of me having children? Will I miscarry again? Should I throw in the towel and adopt? What’s going on? Why wasn’t this baby perfect when my other two are? Did I do something wrong? Maybe I shouldn’t have swept the kitchen floor. Instead of my sadness overcoming me, I have to stop the incessant thoughts and thank God for correction. I am grateful for the opportunity to be spared the heartache of whatever was to come, especially the heartache of having lost the baby at a later time in the pregnancy. Or even hearing the baby’s heartbeat and then no longer hearing it. Or having lost a child after giving birth. We often get paralyzed in life when something doesn’t go our way, not realizing that we had to be detoured from the way we were going to be spared a deeper hurt. I am grateful.
I also was reminded of how no matter what may be, life goes on. It simply goes on. It will go on with you. Or it will go on without you. The choice is yours of how you want your life to be. When we found out that we lost the baby, I told my husband that today I wanted to be sad, but not tomorrow. The nurse tried to make the room that had turned ice cold as comfortable for us as she could. She gave a slight but sincere smile and didn’t utter a word. But what can you really say to grieving parents as they mourn. As I sat on the edge of the bed in the emergency room, I held my husband’s hand and prayed. Before the doctor came in, no matter the news, I wanted to be okay with it. I didn’t want to sink into a depression and check out. I have to live even though our baby did not. And it’s okay. The sun came up the next morning, the kids were running around the Christmas tree, and support from my family lifted us up. The world had not ended. Especially, mine. I needed to be present and there was no reason for me not too.
Now don’t get me wrong. I still have my sad moments. While we may have lost our baby, we have not lost life nor the gift of living. I am grateful for this moment. For the chance to feel and to heal. And down the road, me and my husband will have a great time trying for another baby.